Restraint

Redux

January 4, 2010 – 4:20 am

I’ve been staring at the insides of my eyelides for hours, and work starts too soon. Winter robs me of sleep and sanity.

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Who can tell us how?

February 13, 2009 – 7:26 pm

+ I (finally) have an easy-to-access turntable set up in my house.
+ I (finally) am listening to Jesu on vinyl.
- I bought a Behringer preamp and now I pick up Chinese radio stations.
- I don’t speak Chinese.
+ My work will be sending me to several months of paid full-time French school.
± English has been failing me quite a bit recently.
- I haven’t been writing very much at all.
- I’m realizing that while working hard to keep calm and still over the past year or three, I’ve also been quieting a lot of anxiety and negativity that has been waiting for an exit.
- I do not sleep enough.
- I do not tidy enough.
- I am stressed about money.
+ I’m slowly correcting a year-long drift in my job responsibilities, moving it out of web development and back into web communications.
- However, transitioning between the two means I have the responsibilities of both but with the same amount of hours in a day.
+ I am giving a presentation at PodCamp in Toronto next weekend.
+ It will be awesome.
+ I make great websites.
+ Also flyers.
+ I think I’ve figured out the packaging for the Ad·ver·sary remix album.
- I haven’t figured out the name of it yet. Or the tracklist. Or who’s mastering it.
+ The remixes are fucking great.
+ I am still listening to Jesu on vinyl.

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truth

July 3, 2008 – 2:24 am

What I enjoy the most about onset insomnia is just how tired you can get without ever actually falling asleep.

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and so i turn to the tv

June 15, 2008 – 12:43 am

I wish there was something I could do when I get like this. An organized distraction, or an interesting way to summon oblivion for a few hours.

I can’t even get anything constructive done: music, cleaning, writing, cooking, reading, thinking. None of it works.

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:(

May 1, 2008 – 2:39 am

i can’t sleep :(

so i got out of bed with the idea to make some hash browns and sleepytime tea :)

however :|

i have no hash browns :(

and no sleepytime tea :(

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Restraint

September 5, 2007 – 1:11 am

I can’t sleep. My body, stubbornly refusing to accept that it must be at work by 7AM, is staging a rebellion.

That’s fine. It’ll pay for it tomorrow.

I’ve been looking over my old design directory, at all of the sites I’ve built and abandoned over the years, and they all feel like they were built by strangers much more dedicated and talented than I am.

Years ago, I asked my closest friends for advice: Given a choice between music, design, and writing, which should I focus on? In what medium did I do the best work? Universally, my friends replied: Writing first, design second, and music last.

I chose music, as it turns out, and I’ve been very happy with the results. In retrospect, I’m sure part of my motivation for choosing it was that everyone ranked it last. Looking back over these old sites, however, I’m not sure I made the right choice.

Did I really design all these things? One after the other after the other? How the hell did I do that?

And what the hell am I doing now?

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how is it that you can survive here?

December 8, 2003 – 4:14 am

She’s beautiful, the most beautiful person I’ve ever known, and she has no idea.

I look at her and I can’t imagine ever wanting anything more.

…

Every year at this time, I have to catch myself.

The days get shorter, the wind grows teeth and draws a grey coat around the world.

I can see it happen. I can watch insomnia and illness bleed me dry. I don’t think I have what it takes. I don’t think I can do what I need to.

Even with her beside me, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through, this time.

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gang stories part one

September 8, 2003 – 7:41 am

Sometimes I think that I must be miserable in order to be happy — or that this once was true, and the remaining vestigial parts of who I once was seek to sabotage the now, if not by action then by emotion.

How do you war against your shadow?

…

I’ve never known if insomnia is the condition, or the symptom.

…

Noted for future reference: There have been helicopters and fighter jets in my area, these past weeks. Driving back from Toronto a month ago, I saw an unmarked bomber refueled in midair, both planes grey. Two weeks later, I saw them there again.

I can hear them now, circling overhead.

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