I’ve been posting a lot lately, but I haven’t been saying anything. Anything I have been saying has been behind so many layers of filters and screens that it might as well not have been said at all.
I don’t have anything else to share about my music, or any new photos to post. I haven’t made any posts about neurofeedback because I haven’t been there lately. I don’t remember how to write about me, and I’m not going to write about work, because really, who would want to read that?
My head is heavy, and so many things feel like they’re going to be forever what they are today, and what they are today isn’t what I want.
98% of the people who were in my life five years ago aren’t anymore; and while that was my decision (or at least 98% of the time, it was), it’s painfully obvious that the people I’d like to spend my time with are so few in number that it’s very nearly impossible to get a handful of them in the same room at once, much less build a circle of friends or community with. I don’t have symbol or metaphor to express how completely, shockingly isolating that is.
I used to believe — used to know — that there was always an exit, a process to bring the things I needed close — even if it wasn’t obvious or easy. I don’t know how to feel that way anymore, and I don’t even know if there’s anything to do about it.
This isn’t what I want.