no news is news

I’ve been posting a lot lately, but I haven’t been saying anything. Anything I have been saying has been behind so many layers of filters and screens that it might as well not have been said at all.

I don’t have anything else to share about my music, or any new photos to post. I haven’t made any posts about neurofeedback because I haven’t been there lately. I don’t remember how to write about me, and I’m not going to write about work, because really, who would want to read that?

My head is heavy, and so many things feel like they’re going to be forever what they are today, and what they are today isn’t what I want.

98% of the people who were in my life five years ago aren’t anymore; and while that was my decision (or at least 98% of the time, it was), it’s painfully obvious that the people I’d like to spend my time with are so few in number that it’s very nearly impossible to get a handful of them in the same room at once, much less build a circle of friends or community with. I don’t have symbol or metaphor to express how completely, shockingly isolating that is.

I used to believe — used to know — that there was always an exit, a process to bring the things I needed close — even if it wasn’t obvious or easy. I don’t know how to feel that way anymore, and I don’t even know if there’s anything to do about it.

This isn’t what I want.

19 thoughts on “no news is news

  1. I’ve been lucky about the community of friends. We’ve managed to build a community that matches my own moods – one that shows up a few times a year when I need them, and that welcomes me whenever I make a rare pilgrimage out of my hermitage.

    Come on out to our next community gathering man, you’ll be more than welcome. June 20-21 on the pharm.

  2. I think I understand what you mean. I haven’t written or talked about myself, really, in… well it seems like years.
    I used to write just whatever came to mind, whatever bothered me, whatever excited me. About my past, my experiences, my beliefs, whatever.
    I don’t really anymore. Only once in a great while.
    Sometimes I start writing a long, epxressive entry. And then I start filtering, rewrting it, censoring myself, because… well, I don’t know. It feels empty writing over this medium. I rarely talk to people through messenger programs anymore. I used to talk to people all the time and be really open. I’m much more reserved now.
    I don’t know how to talk with people online anymore. That feels empty too.
    I distance myself from everyone too much. And I get paranoid about their motives for being interested in me.

    Too much drama over the years, I suppose.

    I guess it’ll get better eventually. But i need to work on it.

    It’s weird though, the drama is gone now. It went away when I closed club metropolis. Not sure how to do deal with that lol. I’ve just been used to there being so MUCH of it CONSTANTLY. christ.

  3. I’ll be at ReVamp on Sunday with hugs for you … It’s pretty much all I can offer from this distance.

    Well, I could see if I can ship cupcakes across the border. That might be interesting.

  4. The obvious question for you to change for you: Why and what are you waiting for? If whatever you cite, the xyz, as not what you want, then make it happen. Life is short.

    h

  5. This reminds me i should be less of a shut-in and actually make plans to hang. Perhaps after work this week sometime? A good day for you is when?

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