Maybe I just need to get really high, fuck and play Tetris Attack until dawn.

I haven’t been writing much lately, life has been too chaotic. Home is crazy, work is crazy, all is crazy. Crazy and frustrating. Not all frustrating, but frustrating enough. My computer isn’t working right, I’m not done moving yet, I owe more money today than I ever have, I’m not doing the things I enjoy nearly as much as I want or need to be, blah blah blah.

(Also, there’s cat hair everywhere, and it’s making me lose my fucking mind.)

I’m waiting on tour news from Cyanotic, looks like I might be joining them for November thing supporting one of the coldwave greats. With that said, I’ve planned on at least three tours this year that didn’t happen, so I’m not holding my breath. I was hoping there would be some European dates that would let me work around Maschinenfest, but all the overseas dates seem to be exceptionally flakey.

I’m finishing up the Ad·ver·sary album now, so we’ll see what happens after I send it off to Stefan. If he still wants to publish it on Ant-Zen, that would be fantastic. Otherwise, I’ll send it off to Ad Noiseam (even though I doubt they’d be interested) and Hands, and/or just publish it myself. I should also start calling in the remixes promised to me relatively soon.

There’s so much tension under my skin, and I don’t know where it’s from, or where to channel it.

I’ve been realizing this week just how much I miss being involved in the front lines of computer security, in the way only a disaffected teenager with no social life can be. I’m still involved in security, but I’m not discovering exploits, I’m not participating in anything global, or working with anything dangerous. I’m not doing anything that hasn’t been done and documented a thousand times before by a thousand other people.

What I miss, I think, is being involved in something that matters.

Housewarming soon.

11 thoughts on “Maybe I just need to get really high, fuck and play Tetris Attack until dawn.

  1. Well, that last time, it’s not like I got anything normal off you like crabs, I got lobsters. I admit, having genitals coated in live fucking LOBSTERS freaked me out, just a little. I will engage in all sorts of all night madness, but I’m leaving my underwear on. And I’m laying lobster traps around your new place.

  2. ad·ver·sary on AZ would have been cool !
    P·A·L wouldn’t be the only artist on there with middot’s anymore ;-)

  3. Hahaha… Then we could do a P·A·L V.S. A·V·S release.

    Stefan told me last year when I gave him my demo that he wanted to release it when it was finished — hopefully circumstances haven’t changed. :)

  4. There’s so much tension under my skin, and I don’t know where it’s from, or where to channel it.

    That sounds like hell.
    I’ll do x but only if i can call it x and not e.

    I’m sorry shit is effed. Is it better for worse that it’s hard to pinpoint? I can’t decide for myself.

    I owe more money than I ever have too. I got a bill two days ago for $1137 for my 2005 taxes. What the eff? Fuck you Larry OBrien.

    I owe maybe 15 grand now. And every minute interest weighs on my mind. Whatever, let’s go to Barefax.

    miss you. vaccuum your cat up. it will help. xo.

  5. re: subject line

    you know i’ve been known to, on some rare *cough* occasions, kinda like these things you call drugs, you certainly do know i lurve tetris attack but suck heartily at it [providing satisfying opportunities for your beloved trash talk] and boy howdy do i love, you know, ‘doin’ it’ with you like a couple’o dirty beasts…so i guess what i’m saying is, when would be good for some ‘therapy’?

  6. nice Tom Waits video, nelix! Love him.

    Jairus, I know what you mean about needing to be involved in something meaningful… especially using skills to improve the world and make a difference, also being involved in something larger than ourselves. (Hell, that’s the attraction of Freemasonry for fucksake) I hope that you find a way to get involved with something which uses your skills, improves them (teaches you new things, and pushes your boundaries), and makes you feel good at the end of the day.
    I can relate because for the past 3 years I’ve been involved as a volunteer with a non-profit society bringing broadband into rural areas near my hometown. It’s been fun to engage with the political process… we got $75,000 in grants from Public Money and a $40,000 interest free loan which we have paid back 70% of already. Phase 2 of our network infrastructure will launch within the next month. It was fun and there’s lots to be proud of… and although as a volunteer gig there were times that it took me away from my priorities: my family and my business, it definitely fulfilled a need or two in me.
    All that to say, there are opportunities to engage the world, and feel like you’re making it a better place… and to use your mad elite skills, and get back to the bleeding edge.
    Peace and love man, take it easy/take care.
    ~ teye

  7. One of my least favorite new things in my adult life is being unable to vent or properly express compound frustration. Unable because it’s inappropriate to destroy things, it’s expensive to properly take out stress and articulate your discomfort, given your work schedule and the maintenance of the sanity of those who surround you.

    Let me know if you find a solution that isn’t loud, tiring, or expensive in some other way.

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