Sacred Gardens

It used to be that warm air and the sound of the city were why I was outside, but now they’re reminders, not reasons.

As soon as I sat on the park bench, my fingers reached for a pack of Players (light, regular) that I haven’t carried in eight years. I don’t even have a pocket there anymore. I could smell them, though. A crisp licorice smell that my brain refused to accept wasn’t real. (Just reach into your pocket, they’re right there.)

Things are so different now, and I don’t like the territory.

I don’t have the friends I used to have. I’m not the friend they used to have, either. We’ve all been slowly replaced by new people who just happen to talk the same way, and wear the same skin. The same with my brother. No matter how hard we’ve tried, we can’t find common ground where we need to anymore, and I can’t pretend I’m okay with the way he does things. I can’t put into words how much I miss our relationship. I wish we were still ten and playing nintendo.

I miss my private passions. There’s nothing I do for me anymore that brings me the same quiet joy. I don’t colour my hair differently every week. I don’t explore mainframes or telephone exchanges every night. I don’t go looking for faeries and magic in the woods every summer. DJing sometimes comes close, but not often. Not often enough, at least.

I don’t know where to go from here.

The empty streets at night used to be holy, and I’ve lost my faith.

18 thoughts on “Sacred Gardens

  1. I found that the feeling you’re experiencing is best fixed with a change of scenery.

    Also, growing up sucks.

  2. We get old, we get corporate.
    I try not to romamtisise what it was like to be young, powerless and broke, but still.

    If you’ve read my journal lately it’s a lot about credit cards and being desperate for fresh air. 6 months in an office where wearing pink tights is worthy of comment and I just feel trapped.

    But then I think, now I haver more $ to go to New Orleans and do the big things that excite me, even if when I get home I’m too tired for the little things, the art I used to do everyday.

    I know I sound like a gross justifying former artist, former actiist, current buying-into-the-game loser.

    That could be true.

    But cigarettes give you cancer and you suck at Nintendo anyway.

  3. Sir, it is not at all the same thing, and it never can be, but I look forward to finding rotating stabs and nuclear missles just leaning up against the wall in the corner sometime soon.
    As for returning to Avalon, I’m still looking myself.

  4. Actually, I think I’m quite happy with the way things have progressed. The only thing left now would be having children to show this world to. That’s all. Things are still so good here.

  5. I really felt that last line summed it up well. ;)

    One day, in oh maybe another 3 years when I finally find one on a shelf at EB, I’ll buy a wii, drag it out onto my balcony, call a few friends and play all night watching the crowds go by.

    Find things that keep you young and your age will just add to the flavour.

  6. Even now at 36, I see no reason why one must give up dreams and the interesting parts of ones life just for the sake of ‘growing up’.

    Classic memetic population control mechanism.
    ‘Put away childish things’.

    Yes, some youthful behaviours are self destructive or hinderences to comfort/earning or just plain dumb, but there’s no reason to toss the baby out with the bathwater.

  7. wow. as awful as it is to say it, i’m glad i’m not alone in feeling that way….

    there’s a lyric that sort of sums it up for me, but i forget to who sings it: ‘…the thrill is gone…’ (and with it, the inspiration and the hope of amazing things to come.)

    i miss feeling the intense magic of the night; the pull to do, instead of make excuses; that feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe there are hidden worlds that most of us pass by without even noticing…

    maybe it was because we were all so new, and unused to this type of raw, emotional experience, that it feels like something has died. maybe we’re just being dulled; maybe we’re dulling ourselves?

    i’ll stop before i start babbling….but i think i know exactly how you feel…

  8. I’ve always said that the best part of growing up is that you don’t have to.

    I hope I still feel that way in another ten years.

  9. I don’t understand why you’re not though, you’ve got all this awesome stuff going on in your life, are you not enjoying where you’re at? The evolution? River of life yadda yadda..

  10. My girl is awesome, my job is awesome, and my cats are awesome. It’s everything else.

    Ten years ago, I never would have thought that I’d ever have as much opportunity as I do now, and I thank the powers that be every day for it — but I feel like it’s been a very heavy trade.

  11. Two and a half years in the army and I can feel a lot of tht magic sucked away… I’eg got a plan though.

    I should have my release in July… and I’m buying a one way ticket to europe and planning to go to poland then belarus to try and make a lil film about their countries very popolar medival festivals. I just had an email today from a bunch I hope to work with hoping to makv a vidvo ‘discover yourself belarus’
    The translation is a bit off.. but mabey I’ll rediscover a bit of magic in my adventure. Beyond that, today walking a long a lil kid girl wanted to give me a flower. Mabey volunteering with some kids or someting you’d see the magic through less jaded eyes.


  12. the older i get, the more i feel this way.

    i miss the friendships i used to have. i guess i only have myself to blame for this. the loneliness and desperation for human contact is strong, but i lack the means and, often, the desire to do anything about it.

    i don’t wish to “grow-up” when it comes to enjoying myself. looking to enjoy movies, games, the outdoors with friends of mine. hard to find those who have the time outside their busy lives.

    so i guess i don’t know where to go either.

  13. As with many here it seems, I know what you mean. I have been feeling nostaligic and missing a lot of friends and experiences from years ago. I am trying to recapture some of those feelings by making an effort to try some new things and make more of an effort to get together with friends (old and new).
    We should go out for a coffee sometime and just chat the way we used to go. We just need to make the time.

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