Sometime yesterday, I began my 27th trip around the sun.

I took a leisurely day, yesterday. Played some Rise of Legends, enjoyed some Uno on Xbox Live (housewives don’t expect you to talk smack, let me tell you), took some pictures of chimpmunks, ate some delicious cake. It was good. The weather and hills took their toll on my knee, but it was good.

When I woke up this morning, I felt much better. My knee, while still a bit sore, wasn’t sending daggers of firey love up my leg anymore.

Unusually, I wasn’t very hungry, either.

It wasn’t until I walked into the washroom that I realized what had happened.

You see, we are all made up of elementary particles, which, according to the Standard Model, form all larger particles in the universe:

…but things are not so simple in this world. The standard model does not answer all the questions science poses, and quantum theory has had to pick up the slack. And so, our understanding must continue to quantum particles:

Quantum particles, it is hypothesized, are simply bits of quantum material (strings or otherwise) which vibrate at different frequencies, giving them their unique properties. All things, in a sense, are made entirely of vibrations.

However, vibrational energy is quantized — meaning it can only equal certain discrete values, which correspond to discrete energy states.

I’m sure you all understand where I’m going with this.

After making some quick calculations on the back of my shampoo bottle and running them through the quantum harmonic oscillator model, I made some disturbing discoveries.

I tried to seek further answers via the Schrödinger equation, but Dirac’s bra-ket notation (as always) served only to make things clumsy.

However, I had learned enough. The state vectors of the energy eigenstate had shifted, but not via a complex phase. I know, it’s crazy, but it’s true.

Approximately 8 minutes before I completed my 27th trip around the sun, there was a powerful solar flare, sending deadly radiation hurtling towards the earth at unthinkable speed:

While our atmosphere protected us from the brunt of the blast, some stray radiation made it through, finding its way into the streets and homes of the greater Ontario area.

The rest of Ontario would not notice, however, for it was only I who had, at the precise moment the flares reached our planet, been in that precise position 27 years prior. I was perfectly aligned, and what happened next should come as no surprise.

The radiation did not pass harmlessly through my particles as they did everyone else. Instead, they knocked through them at a quantum level, spinning them much like a gutterpunk on PCP spins a New York subway turnstile.

This sudden change in force and pressure had dramatic consequences. The polarity of the particles shifted.

While still vibrating, my particles were now vibrating backwards.

I realized all this when I went to the washroom, and my stubble wasn’t there. My face had a slight shadow, but that was it. Certainly not what I should expect after two days without shaving.

That’s when it hit me: I’m travelling backwards through time.

To be more specific, my particles are. While I will move forward day after day, my particles are moving backwards, bringing me ever closer to that day, 27 years ago, when I was first in the position the solar flare found me in.

I know that you’re all as distressed as I am. Find solace in the fact that I am not without a plan, and I do not intend to take this lying down. I will be consulting experts on this matter immediately.

Tomorrow night, as soon as I am done work, I will be watching all three Back To The Future movies consecutively. In addition to an amusing tale of wacky hijinx, the BTTF trilogy is also a treatise on force amplification via the superposition of a number of time-evolving states, and Zemeckis received much scientific acclaim when the script was published in Nature.

I will keep you informed, true believers. Save heart, for I will not be bested by a foe so small as the sun.

13 thoughts on “MCFLY!

  1. Wow, the exact same thing happened to me, on my 27th birthday!

    I’m not really going to be 32 this year, I’m going to be 22.

    HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY, JAI!!!!

  2. Yes,

    However, according to Einstein’s theory of Relativity, technically, Chuck Norris can round-house kick someone in the face yesterday.



  3. damn fine> cake i might add…and how can you forget ESD coffee? it never forgets you… :)

    glad as always to share your day with you bee, just you and i…i love our adventures, no matter how small or short…

  4. Particle man, particle man
    Doing the things a particle can
    What’s he like? It’s not important
    Particle man

    Is he a dot, or is he a speck?
    When he’s underwater does he get wet?
    Or does the water get him instead?
    Nobody knows, Particle man

  5. I am so worried about you…
    Keep us tuned on the dev…

    What will happen when your particules reach that day when you were struck… I think Emmet Brown’s law of continuation tells us that the encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could start a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that’s a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to our own galaxy.

  6. I know how you feel my friend for I’m sure you’ve noticed that the passage of time and I seem somewhat … incompatible.
    You will require at least one travelling companion on such an adventure for what you suggest is dangerous. Very dangerous.
    There are other sources of data that much be, at the very least, kept in mind while conducting this study.
    F-S04E11. What Einstein says is critical. Enter that on your computer and you are very likely to find the file I placed for you while replacing my pistol with a banana.
    I also recommend sonic screwdrivers and scarves. The longer the better.

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