45

There is something beyond these walls, past these city streets which run empty at night, reflected streetlight on asphalt.

I can taste it in the air sometimes, in those quiet moments where the stillness seems almost holy, and you know that if understanding were to reach you, it would be now.

But it never does.

All the holes, scars, burns, inks and modifications i inflict upon myself are with purpose and meaning, to cultivate an aesthetic; to remember, to forget, to learn. They are not born of anger and hatred, of flashpoint emotion and a need to drown out pain.

But sometimes, in those moments, I wonder if I were to take steel to skin, if it really would stain red, or if I would expose something greater, something I cannot possibly know.

This illness, this weakness of flesh and spirit takes away what I need to keep myself complacent, what I need to ignore the hidden and muddle through life, concerning myself entirely too much with matters of circumstance.

The nights pass slowly, the protests of the skin screaming through the fatigue, just enough to prevent me from crossing that threshold to sleep.

or

The nights pass slowly, wrapped in dreamworlds where I can live days before I wake, lost in tortured scenarios of death and pain, leaving me grieved and tattered pieces of self to pick up and present to the world the next day.

These emotions and events are made no less real by the fact that I experience them outside of my waking life.

I have been here before.

The quality of air, the illness and insomnia, the chemically stained profoundness of the world.

I have been here before.

And when I was, I spent myself on bandaging others and peacekeeping, on moonlit walks through deserted streets, waiting for things to get better.

I will not wait for things to get ‘better’.

I will not lose this.

I will not lose myself.

There is something more.

7 thoughts on “45

  1. “I will not lose this.

    I will not lose myself.

    There is something more.”

    i am here…
    and i will do what i can, whatever that is…

  2. I feel a staggering parallel to what you have here… I feel much the same this week. Everyday after work I drive home, and the sun is comming down brilliant and red, and I for a moment get lost in my thoughts, the ones that recognize there is so much more out there…

    I lose myself in those moments, but they are sad. I always have to come back to reality, to my life… to the place where I dont want to be.

    Helicopters my love, oh yes… in those moments there are helicopters. No one can take those from us, an they WILL happen.

  3. /sticks out thumb in the whirlwind of air from the ‘copter’s blades

    mind if i join you boys for coffee? i seem to have missed my bus and misplaced my towel…

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