Once more with feeling

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Went looking on Craigslist for a Technics 1200 dustcover, found this instead:


As an avid foodie, I am always looking for tasty culinary experiences.

I am looking for a pregnant woman (preferably due around christmastime so that I can offer to my xmas guests) to sell me her placenta! I plan on using it to make a few dishes, and will probably braise some of it to make a bourgignon-style stew, turn some into a stuffing for ravioli, dice some up into a tartare and slice the rest very thinly to be cooked in a Vietnamese-style soup. If you are interested, you and your partner would be very welcome to join in this gastronomical adventure.

It would be an easy way for you to recoup some of the medical costs associated with pregnancy. You could even spend the money on the baby! If you wanted, I could give you a gift card to Toyz R Us or wherever you wanted to shop.

I would prefer if you didn’t have any blood-borne diseases, but this can be discussed.

I fear it might be too late for myself

Today I received the best email ever.

To: jairus@gmail.com
Subject: Jairus, I fear it might be too late for yourself.
From: jairus@gmail.com
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2006 16:08:39 -0700 (PDT)

By you I mean me. This is yourself. Jairus Khan of 1502 Clementine Boulevard. That is, before Ottawa was destroyed and our music career failed. The year is 2034. I can’t elaborate now, they’re onto me. We must prevent what is now history from happening in your future.