Restraint

07/14/1978 – 03/02/2006

March 3, 2010 – 3:02 am

Squid

You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it’s pouring down with rain
You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it’s pouring down with rain
You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it’s pouring down with rain
You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it’s pouring down with rain
You will find me waiting for spring and summer
You will find me waiting for the fall
You will find me waiting for the apples to ripen
You will find me waiting for them to fall
You will find me by the banks of all four rivers
You will find me at the spring of conciousness
You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it’s pouring down with rain
You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it’s pouring down with rain
You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it’s pouring down with rain
You will find me if you want me in the garden
unless it’s pouring down with rain

Tagged , | Comments (0)

37.5 million seconds

March 1, 2010 – 3:26 am

A little over a year and a month ago, I got a message titled “BFF 4 EVER” from an audrawilliams. She thought we’d get along, she said.

oh hai

After discovering that we worked across the street from each other, we met for lunch the next day, and spent a good two or three hours talking about politics, music, childhood.

Two months after that, we were presenting together at Podcamp in Toronto, and it wasn’t very long after that she found a ridiculous kitten to keep me company in my new apartment.

blinky

She’s smart, accomplished, hilarious, and so stunningly beautiful that I can’t really wrap my head around it. In the short time that I’ve known her, she has introduced me to incredible people, helped me tackle a lot of very daunting problems, caused an international incident, helped shape the progressive political dialogue in Canada through her work with the NDP, and impacted my life in more ways than I could ever expect to have words for.

She accomplished something really amazing today, and while I’ll leave it to her to decide if she wants to talk about it, I could not be more proud of her.

Congratulations, Audra. You’re incredible, you make the lives of everyone close to you better, and everyone who loves you knows they’re lucky to know you.

audra and jairus

I love you so much.

Comments (0)

On masculinity

January 24, 2010 – 8:34 pm

I wrote this reply to a question posed on LiveJournal asking about the contemporary definitions of masculinity, and what (if anything) separates the masculine from the feminine. No one responded over there, so I’m reposting it here, because I’m interested in other people’s thoughts on the subject.

Do not reply to this post to argue about feminism.

…

I suspect that there’s a lot to be said on this topic with regards to fatherhood, but I don’t have any experience in that area to draw on.

There are a few different questions here, I think.

1: What is the contemporary definition of masculine?
2: Can you construct a contemporary definition of masculine, using positive traits that are exclusive to men?
3: What traits should be deferred to men so as to consider those traits exclusively masculine?

The answer to the first question isn’t terribly flattering, and the nature of the second question makes it impossible to answer without being sexist (as it is equivalent to asking “what positive traits do women lack?”).

Personally, I don’t agree that a trait can only be ascribed to one or not the other in order for it to be masculine/feminine, because the context of the male experience and the female experience are so different that a trait (let’s say, promiscuity, or humility) is not the same thing for a man that it is for a woman. Saying that humility is a masculine trait might be positive, because to be humble men may have to recognize their own male privilege. Saying that humility is a feminine trait might be negative, because it’s morally elevating a symptom of oppression.

This article is interesting, I think. It makes a lot of positive “men are” declarations about men that would be totally unremarkable status quo statements if said about women, (A man doesn’t point out that he did the dishes. A man looks out for children. Makes them stand behind him. A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to.) and a number of fairly provocative statements that I don’t think translate as easily, for better or for worse. (Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his ass. A man knows how to lose an afternoon. Drinking, playing Grand Theft Auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool. A man fantasizes that kung fu lives deep inside him somewhere. A man knows how to sneak a look at cleavage and doesn’t care if he gets busted once in a while.)

Personally, I don’t think contemporary society is terribly interested in buying into the idea of positive masculinity. It’s dangerous to say “this is male, this is good” if you’re adverse to the idea of inferring something bad about being not-male.

Tagged , | Comments (0)

Redux

January 4, 2010 – 4:20 am

I’ve been staring at the insides of my eyelides for hours, and work starts too soon. Winter robs me of sleep and sanity.

Tagged , | Comments (0)

I see you.

November 19, 2009 – 7:38 pm

Is there any place as universally disliked as a hospital? Sure, no one loves a dentist’s office, but the pathos of an intensive care waiting room can’t be compared to anything else.

The last time I was in an ICU, I wasn’t visiting. I woke up with no idea where I was, or how I had gotten there. Now, I can’t help but feel helpless when I hear the machines and smell disinfectant. I was not prepared for how shaken the visit left me.

…

Back in the real world, I’m slowly getting decisions made for the next iteration of my work’s website. Our daily traffic numbers are six digits long, so I’m taking my time with these.

  • Which microformats do we want to markup our existing content with? hCard is a gimme, but what about hAtom for press releases? Do we want hCalendar for the schedule of events, or even hResume for biography pages? (And how much work is it going to be to microformat-enable fifteen years worth of content?)
  • Frameworks! We’re happily invested with jQuery as our JS framework of choice, but do we want or need a framework for CSS development? Typography and print? Wordpress theme development? Maybe even a fluid grid system? For my last project (which launches today, in fact) I used Tripoli, Carrington, and 960 — and while Carrington was amazing (and 960 was pretty good), I’m concerned by the lack of development on Tripoli. The typography is great, but I hate using dead projects. Maybe I should fork it.
  • Do I care if our site validates? CSS 2.1, or should I say fuck it and jump right to 3.0? (Seriously, CSS 2.1 is for suckers.)

I really love nerdy problems.

Also posted in Geekdom | Tagged , | Comments (0)

2-(3-[4-(3-chlorophenyl)piperazin-1-yl]propyl) – [1,2,4]triazolo[4,3-a]pyridin-3(2H)-one

September 10, 2009 – 1:00 am

(One of) my therapist(s) has recommended that I keep a private daily journal, as well as an ongoing ‘worry list’ in point form. I have not been very successful with either task.

Right now, I am worried about:

  • Not being able to fall asleep
  • Falling asleep and getting too little sleep to function well tomorrow
  • Falling asleep with the help of a sleeping pill and being too chemically hungover to wake up in the morning
  • An early-morning meeting at work
  • Money to pay for:
    • Various outstanding bills related to moving
    • New hard drives (and a new media server to put them in) to replace the ones that have been failing (with data loss) over the last two months
    • The trip to NYC I took last weekend
    • Expenses incurred returning home by bus as a result of the (borrowed, ten year old) car blowing a gasket in upstate New York
    • A trip to Albany this weekend to go pick up the soon-to-be-repaired car and bring it back to Ottawa
    • Whatever part of the massive car repair bill the owner of the car doesn’t feel like paying
  • If I’m going to lose 4 1/2 weeks saved vacation time due to sick leave / insurance issues at work
  • Not being able to do an Ad·ver·sary (or Cyanotic, or…) tour in the next 12 months due to a lack of vacation time
  • How a number of different people (and animals) that I love are doing
  • Not having nearly enough time.

Hoping for a quiet day and a quieter evening, tomorrow.

Comments (0)

Things that make you go blog

July 28, 2009 – 11:33 pm

Things that make me sad:

  • Not having support you need from friends
  • Discussing power and gender
  • Staying up all night (because you can’t sleep)
  • Not having what you need to cook what you want
  • Really missing the cats you lived with

Things that make me happy:

  • Connecting with people you should have met a long time ago
  • Discussing politics and strategy
  • Staying up all night (because you don’t want to sleep)
  • Breaking in new dishes with delivery pizza
  • Finalizing plans to pick up new kittens
Comments (0)

status++

July 5, 2009 – 10:57 pm

+ I am posting this from in my new place in Chinatown.
+ My new apartment is two floors above someone amazing who I love.
- She has terrible wireless!
+ I got a free a mug with a kitten on it from the people who moved out!
+ Also a couch and TV stand!
- My TV just might be too epic to fit through the stairs.
+ I played an awesome set at Festival Kinetik in Montreal back in May, without a single on-stage reboot.
+ I also released the Ad·ver·sary remix disc!
+ I have some good ideas for the next Ad·ver·sary record.
+ They involve coal miners.
+ I have been practising for my Bluesfest show with Peter Murphy.
+ I also played an awesome show with Cyanotic at Zaphods.
-  …but I couldn’t join them for the whole tour due to work/sick/more.
± I then spent at least twenty hours watching Ken Burns documentaries in a haze of sickness.
- I have been too stressed and busy to write much lately.
+ I am going to order pizza.
+ It is going to be delicious.

Addendum:
+ It was delicious.

Tagged | Comments (3)

(365.25 * 30) + 3

May 25, 2009 – 3:03 am

When my father was 27 years old, he held the owner of a downtown Ottawa hotel (and his lawyers) hostage at gunpoint, and forced them to sign papers transferring ownership of the building to him.  When he was 28, he burned the 145-year-old building to the ground to collect a half-million dollars in insurance money. He was thirty when he was indicted.

I never wanted to be anything in particular by the time I was thirty (assuming, like all teenagers, that I would never make it there), but I knew exactly what I didn’t want to be.

…

Just over three years ago I wrote about getting fucked over by the people I lived with, and resolved not to waste my time and energy on people who don’t hold up their end of the social contract (my “no jerks” policy). It was tougher than I can find words for, and I had to cut out a lot of people in my life who I previously considered friends — and while there are still holes in my heart where people I’ve lost used to be, my quality of life changed overnight, and I haven’t looked back.

I’ve also tried a lot of things since then to address the problems I have that are internal rather than external: Neurotherapy, meds, drugs, Man’s Search For Meaning and a fleet of therapists — I even wrote a fucking album — but it’s like chewing tylenol while walking on glass, and I’ve come to understand why that is:

I’ve spent my entire life living a series of shared fortunes; I’ve always been responsible for other people’s welfare, and other people have always been responsible for mine.

I need to own my own happiness and security, and no one else’s. I realized this last year, and set a deadline of my thirtieth birthday to get there. And so I have made some big decisions and taken some drastic steps in the last six or seven months.

I’m moving out of the house I share with Leslie, Mike and Suzanne — a house I love, where I live with people I love — into an apartment of my own. A place where I’m not ever worried about wrecking other people’s lives, where I won’t ever have to stress about collective finances, where I’m never going to get a surprise $1000+ hydro bill (or several of them consecutively), and where I can know exactly, every month, just how much I need to spend on where I live. Where no one’s nose gets broken but mine if I fuck things up.

I need space to take inventory of my own wants and needs, so that I can triage and try to make sure they don’t reach crisis proportions again.

I’m going to take whatever time I need to get my head and heart straight so that I can be a better friend, partner, activist, lover.

So I can build something that I am proud to share with the people I love and trust.

Comments (3)

SXSW PBP

March 18, 2009 – 11:27 pm

I am safely returned from Austin! The conference was good, and the city was fantastic. The only other place in the states that I’ve enjoyed as much is Chicago. Maybe it’s because of all the extra people and chaos around the SXSW festival, but the amount of music and amazing food (two of my favourite things) was unbelievable.

Friday morning I discovered the wonder that is the breakfast taco at Cicso’s Restaurant Bakery! In the afternoon it was to the Museum of The Weird, and then to a (terrible!) laptop music battle. The idea was really cool: A dozen pair of musicians battle, each one gets exactly 3 minutes, crowd decides which ones move on to the next round. Unfortunately, the music was (seriously) horrible and (even more seriously) boring. I would love to sign up for next year and kick some ass.

Saturday morning was more delicious breakfast, and Saturday night was a party full of wonderful and weird entertainment. A lot of fun until the lineup for the washrooms became longer than the lineup to get in. Ended up at a place called The Jackalope, which is quite likely the most awesome bar in the world. Pulled pork quesadillas are like a sex party for your mouth.

Had lunch Sunday with the Wordpress crew, and then a night drive to Driftwood, Texas, where we made a pilgrimage to the best barbeque in a day’s travel: The Salt Lick. I tried to take photos of it, but there was no way to capture the scale of the place. It’s two or three huge buildings, with a parking lot the size of Rideau Centre. Serious fucking food. (Also, serious fucking drinking: Driftwood is in a dry county, so it’s BYOB — there were families there who brought massive coolers-on-wheels full of beer and whiskey.)

Spent a beautiful Monday day walking around South Congress, which is what Queen Street West would have been if everyone there listened to psychobilly instead of post-punk.  In the evening was the EFF party, which reminded me of the Dark Carnivals, except with cooler vendors and less interesting visual artists. The headlining artist was Ian McLagan (formerly of the Faces [with Ronnie Wood, Kenny Jones, and Rod Stewart], aka The Modfather), and we snuck backstage to hang out with him for a few hours after the show, where he gave us many drinks and told us hilarious stories about Bob Dylan and Billy Bragg. Stopped by the Casino El Camino on the way back to the hotel for a delicious dirty cheeseburger (and to say hi to The Amazing Mr. Lifto) before calling it a night.

Then Tuesday a brief stop at Austin’s finest haberdashery, a bunch of hours on a couple of planes, stopped by Zaphods for the last few hours of the night, and (finally) home.

How was your week?

Tagged , , , | Comments (0)
Page 1 of 9123456789»