Restraint

sexual harassment for fun and profit

July 25, 2009 – 2:46 am

There are a lot of things happening in my life that I’d like to write about, but my heart is heavy and my skin is raw. Instead, I’m going to write about this new contest from Electronic Arts:

Stay classy, EA.

Stay classy, EA.

I’ll give you a minute to re-read the ‘How To Win’ section a few times.

That’s right, EA literally wants you to sexually harass the booth babes at Comic-Con. You don’t have to settle for staring awkwardly at scantily-clad flesh and working up the nerve to brush your hand against an ass or two as you walk past them; their employer has actually posted a sexual bounty on them — so please feel free to grab a handful and get your money’s worth! And if your photos are the most ass-grabbingly great (keeping in mind step 3!) you’ll get to take them out to dinner in a fancy limo!

…

Goddamn it if EA isn’t the worst thing to happen to video games since Ultima Online. (Actually, scratch that. They published Ultima Online. I guess they’re just the worst thing.)

Every now and then I think about dropping everything and getting back into the video game industry, but then I am gripped by this fear, this panic, that somehow someday somewhere I would end up working for EA, and that’s enough to shake those dreams from my hair.

…

Oh, booth babes. Have we not yet visited enough ignominy and nerd germs upon you? Truly, you are the most underappreciated of all sex workers.

Corey & Vampirella

Corey & Vampirella. photo: roadkillbuddha

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It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I’m all out of gum. Also, money.

May 9, 2009 – 11:08 am

It is a sad day today for old-school PC gamers. 3D Realms, the developers of Duke Nukem Forever, have shut their doors.

Duke Nukem Forever, the game that was promised to be a Quake II killer.  The game that was already so late by 2001 that they stopped announcing release dates. The game that had won the Vaporware Lifetime Achievement Award in 2003.

Now, we will likely never see the pixelated stripclubs and alien cops that were promised to us back in 1997.  All we have are a few minutes of footage from E3, and a handful of leaked screenshots and promo art.

In memory of what could have been, I will end this post with highlights from a list of things that have happened while DNF was under development:

  • Over 25 Final Fantasy games and 2 Final Fantasy movies
  • The entire Sims and Grand Theft Auto series.
  • Also Unreal, Dance Dance Revolution, Tony Hawk, and Halo.
  • The rise of P2P filesharing, including Napster.
  • All three Star Wars prequels, and the LOTR film trilogy.
  • Bullet time, Family Guy, South Park, and Harry Potter.
  • Two Mars rovers and the International Space Station.

…and things that happened in less time than DNF’s development took:

  • Everything The Beatles ever did.
  • The United States moon program.
  • World War I.
  • World War II and the entire Manhattan Project. Including the fucking atomic bomb.

Rest in peace, Duke.

Also posted in Geekdom | Tagged | Comments (2)

Things I have been enjoying lately: Second in a series.

November 19, 2008 – 4:37 am

Left 4 Dead.

This just might be the best co-op game I’ve ever played. 4 players versus insane zombies, running from building to building, fucking shit up proper. From the Shacknews Review:

It’s actually very easy to quantify just how replayable Left 4 Dead is, in the same way that one can identify an infectious disease.

Because that’s what playing Left 4 Dead for the first time feels like–the beginning of a terrible affliction. We played the game for two straight days at Valve, only occasionally surfacing for a gasp of fresh snacks. We played so much Left 4 Dead that it made us all physically ill. We came home thoroughly infected, bed-ridden and moaning like the undead.

And the most common phrase going around our chat channel? “I wish I could play more right now.”

L4D Grafitti

It really is that much fun.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be on Xbox Live.

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Gamer Public Service Announcement

September 3, 2008 – 1:41 am

Tales of Vesperia is the most visually stunning video game I have ever seen, and is easily the best RPG I’ve played since FF7. Maybe since FF5.

All of this video is in-game. That is what the combat actually looks like.

The battles are real-time, the skill system is a perfect combination of the job system and the materia system, and I’m over 20 hours in and I just got off the first continent.

This game is to the 360 what FF7 was to the PS. It’s worth buying the console for.

…but don’t take my word for it, ask Famitsu (who gave it 9-9-9-8), or ask Japan (where 360s are now sold out at every major retailer in the country).

Also posted in LiveJournal Imports | Comments (12)

Wanted: One singer to join Rock Band.

July 18, 2008 – 12:07 pm

Must enjoy pizza, alcohol, and innuendo (more like in her end-o, am i rite?). Guitar skills welcome, but not necessary.

Weekly practice is between 7 PM Friday night and 5 AM Saturday morning. Perks include private jet and groupies.

Bonus points for helping to find my lost shaker of salt. (salt! salt!)

Discretion guaranteed, Inquire within!

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Jerkalope

June 23, 2008 – 1:20 am

My latest spore creation: The Jerkalope!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7b84rIfLxtg

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Spore

June 22, 2008 – 3:01 am

Anyone fucking around with the Spore Creature Creator?

I am!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhJHnuRTs2w

Also posted in LiveJournal Imports | Comments (4)

All Apologies

January 5, 2008 – 4:05 am

I was wrong about Game Of The Year, dear reader. So wrong.

It’s not Mass Effect, even though it’s the first game that’s ever made me miss Star Control 2.
It’s not Portal, even though GLaDOS is the best villain since Sephiroth.
…and it’s not Bioshock, even though it has the perhaps the best boss fight (Ryan, not the other one) in the history of RPGs.

It is not any of those brilliant, beautiful games which have brought me countless hours of enjoyment this year.

It’s Rock Band.

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ps: winter still sucks

November 26, 2007 – 4:01 am

Fun Facts:

– Danny’s rave was fantastic. I opened with Apotheosis, and closed with Hellsau. I’m an asshole like that.
– Mass Effect just might be the best non-Japanese console RPG I’ve ever played. This is what Star Control 3 should’ve been like.
– There’s an instrumental mix of NIN’s Year Zero floating around. It turns a good album into an incredible one. You should find it and listen to it.
– I should be sleeping.

Also posted in LiveJournal Imports, Music | Comments (7)

Welcome to Rapture

September 3, 2007 – 4:35 pm

Bioshock is one of the greatest games I have ever played.

Also posted in LiveJournal Imports | Comments (16)
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